If our love is tragedy why are you my clarity
Wednesday, January 2, 2013

New Years (uh oh uh oh) A big Text Post.

This whole post is rather pointless, BUT! i need to rant and talk and recently it seems like I’m less able to do that with any single person.  So I’ll organize it a little with sections and titles or something so you can pick or choose or something. 

  • New Years Resolutions, Feelings and stuff.

My new year hasn’t gone or been great so far (its only been day shut up.) Problem is I’ve never felt more alone then the past year combine (wow.) Like, I shouldn’t go into some parts on tumblr due to people who i’d be talking about follow me (friends online and off, ha ha suckers you get to wonder what you may have done <3) And i’d spill out (its my blog) but i don’t want friend drama its not worth it, I can bitch about friends on another post (maybe). Anyway this is new years frak. Normally one would come up with some resolution (or a wish,etc.) for new years. in 2010-2011 it was to not be alone. in 2011-2012 it was to keep the one i was with happy (i failed as they left me.) this year my “Resolution” or “Wish” or whatever is.

"Don’t Give up." 

While that could mean lots of things or be taken different ways, it doesn’t really matter to anyone besides me. 

  • Art, my passions and etc.

As an “Artist” I like to draw a lot and would like more attention (wouldn’t we all?) the lack of what feels like anything coming from literally every art site im on (DA,FA,etc.) Is Horrible. Its also very discouraging and while I’ve complained about this before it just never changes which sucks. The only way i get praise or even a “neat” is if i show people individually. and while i can do that with friends i sure as hell can’t do it with internet strangers… Other things in art i have a few projects ready for this year (hopefully) one being an adult comic the other being a possible Light Novel or Short Comic (we’ll see which of those two i push through.) 

  • Friends (Online and Off)

[:Be Warned Im ranting if you ask me about this crap later i’ll probably tell you to shut up or ignore it because IM RANTING:]

Okay, so, I have great friends (online and off) and like all friends you love them but they all have things that annoy you. so the only way i can rant this without causing a shitstorm is not be specific so, how about all the annoying crap is on one hodgepodge Man named.. uh, Phil. okay,

So Phil is a great guy who is sometimes a perverse pig and while I’ve known him for what seems like forever sometimes i forget what a pig he is or i ignore it till it shows then i want to tell him to fucking knock it off its awkward when you try shit with other people around we get it you want sex, Also Phil is dating a loser, who almost based on any interaction none of us (being the collective friend community) can’t stand and Phil hardly seems to want her. (but it seems like they wont make the break despite this.) I get it Phil (pretty well) being alone sucks, A LOT but get over it. you’re just leading her on and making it worse down the road. Phil you also have this disgusting habit of asking for things i don’t can’t do and you know that but you have some weird fucking stupid where you don’t comprehend what im saying, Like I can’t even go into detail without this one being way to obvious.

  • Tumblr stuff (Online stuff on a happier note but not really.)

Okay so i have lots of accounts online (various tumblr blogs and other sites) and frankly im planning to shut a LOT of them down (the art and porn tumblr for example.) so unless these sites give me a REASON to stay im not going to bother. 

Do you guys like just the art tumblr? or the Porn one? TELL ME other wise it’ll go away.

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As much as i’d like to end this on a happier note i cant, sorry. Please say your thoughts,etc either PM me or Leave a comment here ok?

Friday, November 23, 2012

Me and the Blahs 3: Neither of those titles i said it would be last time.

Again, i am unsure of my “progress” on these “blahs” i feel like maybe i should remake these journals (wow all 3!?) into some other form of media because frankly i feel like nobody reads them, then again is that the point of them? i don’t even know. as most of America knows today was thanksgiving (or to be technical yesterday was.) Last year at thanksgiving was so much fun i honestly thought this year couldn’t live up to it and it didn’t’ it fell so flat that uh.. it died. or i dunno it didn’t have a chance really. The holiday never meant anything to me and last year it did maybe that’s why this year sucked.

I’m not sure if my art is getting better or worse, i cant seem to draw the past few days (almost a week now.) but a friend bought what is what i consider to be my WORST piece which did really bring me up. I’ll have to keep struggling with that, I’m not sure if it even has to do with my blahs at this point.

In terms of everything else, i still kinda feel useless as an adult. my birthday is coming up soon (DEC.1) and I’ll be turning 20 (Waugh) and i don’t know what to do again my last birthday was really nice, but since i turned like maybe 16 they haven’t been very great. (not in terms of gifts) but celebrating itself i mean i guess it shows who really cares and who doesn’t but i wish i had someone special to share it with.. i guess i should figure out what to do with it till then.

I’d say im getting better but i don’t want to lie, don’t get me wrong im not getting worse im just kinda here. this has gotten a little long hasn’t it? I’ll make it less lame ill throw a doodle at the top.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Me and the Blahs: Part 2: Redemption: The Squeakwel

Have the Blahs gotten better since the last text post? yeah, and no?

Im finding myself feel less alone in terms of not having anyone like oh i can talk to this and that person but i end up feeling lonelyish? i dunno its a big confusing mess.

its a problem that i can’t really get out of the way so i guess i can deal with it later (As much as i’d like to now)

Artist wise the blah is still there, i feel like im going nowhere with art. like i feel like its really the only thing im good at and i get better and better and less and less attention. I think maybe i need someones help someone good who is willing to help me and has the goal im trying to reach. like a new actor working with a really well known director (if that makes sense to you guys) someone to like, pull me up and make me good naturally. I know its all nonsense but blah (hurr)

Money wise i AM in trouble and im trying to find work (its stupidly impossible for someone right out of highschool.) I really need steady money (even if its like a little bit)

I’m going to keep trying (of course as i always do) lets just hope these will pass and i’ll get better.

Stay turned for the Blahs 3: Wash,Rinse,RETREAT OR Blahs 3, stop being a pube!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Me and the Blahs. Part the First

I have always been a very closed person, there are a small circle of people who often get to hear how i REALLY feel on things and excreta, Today I’ve had what one could call the “Blahs” or “That really weird mood you can’t fucking name.” I thought i’d give my followers that small insight.

(wow all 41! of you)

((Kidding i enjoy you all thanks for following))

(((there should be more of you, tell your friends?)))

Im not really a Writer (those who know me personally know this) So i’ll TRY to make this not stupid. (then again its my blog and my feelings so HA!) in the recent.. month(s) i’d say the last two or three I’ve been feeling these “Blahs” quite often. I try the usual things that make them go away. Things like fishing for compliments (don’t boo me you all do it!) Just hearing something nice usually helps, but this time it really isn’t. Frankly i have no real clue what it is. I tried to think about what could make me feel so “blah” and maybe its a combination of several little things, so to make it easier for you to read (and me to type) i’ll list briefly about the little things (hurr hurr pun intended) that are causing this, if you guys are curious and want to know more just send me an ask (anon or not i really don’t care) If not that’s cool too im more or less trying to get thoughts out (good to do every now and then.)

  • I feel like my art isn’t going anywhere but is getting better and its incredibly frustrating, like i draw better now then i ever have but im getting far less attention then i used too.
  • Social wise im not sure where im going with well frankly everyone, like before i feel closer but further from friends (and family especially) like there is no ONE person i can talk to anything about anymore when there used to be so many.
  • Money is getting tight and while I’ve been job searching like crazy i realize im turning 20 this year and well im starting to feel like a loser. I was so worried what i’d turn into if i didn’t finish high school and i did finish and it made me think i’d be okay but it seems like i might be turning into that loser i feared.
  • I want to date and i don’t want to date for many many reasons (i could literally right ten pages on why so i’ll shorten it to way less.) My mind is ready but my heart is not.

It feels like i might not know myself (my identity) I’ve been told by many that im very plain or safe or boring (always fun to hear) and I’ve tried to do things out of my element but you know if it doesn’t feel right then you shouldn’t do it. sometimes i did and sometimes i didn’t. some of those things were alright and some were hurtful to my psyche, I’d try others but honestly i wont because im worried i’ll loose myself whoever that may be. Anyway Rant over. we’ll see if there will be a Blahs part the second. Thanks for reading if you did.

Monday, August 27, 2012

AI Week 7

Week 7

Okay, so this is a LITTLE late, but no worries. I’ll sum up what i can remember of week 7.

Monday - "Transitional English & Observational Drawing"

 The bus this morning seemed kinda bad but once i got there it really wasn’t, English isn’t terrible or hard. Just boring. Not much to say about it that day.

Observational Drawing has been and probably always will be my favorite class, the teacher is relaxed and its overall fun. We drew lots of faces, i even posed for the class to draw me (i never wanna see how they did it ever)

Tuesday - 

I woke up a few minutes later then normal but still made the bus on time, the only problem was.. the bus didn’t make me.. so despite my best efforts and making the bus go as fast as i could.. i was still an hour late… Luckily! i got my teacher to take my work (where she would have not taken it at all.)

We then got our next project! which was~ Roman myths/stories to illustrate in only Black and white. so i went with muses (to commemerate one of my FAVORITE movies.) and so far its not going to bad!

Wednesday - "Color Theory"

Color Theory today was 90% work on the color wheel, which stressed me out not having a design yet, i drew out the circles and spent the entire class trying to come up with one.. i didn’t… don’t worry though i managed to work on and finish it over the weekend!

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wow these seem a little bigger when i sum up the whole week.. anyway! thanks for reading the like, 3 of you who do. Commissions are open! buy buy buy! i need the cash! 

Thursday, August 16, 2012

AI day(s) 16 and 17

I totally missed yesterdays post! and i almost missed todays! so i’ll try to sum up both classes quickly!

Fundamentals of Design: I picked my medium for the project, and we did a lecture and the midterm. i think i did pretty good on the midterm. i did it in pen so i wouldn’t keep changing my mind.

Color Theory: We turned in our sphere projects, i got a 79, so i did okay (i suck at painting) then we got our next project which was using different color pallets to explain a mood or feeling, it sounds fun i should do well c:

Okay so after this week i’ll update them by week! not by each day and i’ll throw in a little on my emotional/social life aswell!

/nobody reads these jacob.

Monday, August 13, 2012

AI day 15

OKAY, so. Lets start of with the huge lack of sleep due to the HEAT.

i only managed like 2 hours of sleep.

The bus ride wasn’t too bad though the morning ride usually isn’t, however at the third bus stop there was a stray dog, so i kinda had to wait and not engage and hope it didn’t decide to murder me.

After that ordeal i got to class and as per usual English is kinda boring.

I did manage to get most of that classes homework done..

During my hour between classes i tried to find the academics office to register, i didn’t find it and wouldn’t have had time if i had.

Observational drawing as ususal was alot of fun. first we had to draw with our opposite hand then the picture again normally. mine turned out weird. then we drew figures for the entire class.

The bus ride home i was like, dead asleep but the bus did get home an hour earlier which was nice.

After this week i might just sum up the entire school week instead of each day..

/nobody reads these.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

AI day 14

Today was fundamentals of design! i was up late-ish finishing my project which i did construction paper cutouts it was very cute! the morning bus wasn’t too bad as it usually is, i pretty much played PSP2 the entire time :p

During the class critique i got lucky and didn’t get anything really negative about mine, i guess im taking critique better. she said “i dont like using this word to describe art, but your picture is very “cute.”” i wasn’t sure how to take that because cute was what i was going for but she kinda made it sound like a bad thing.

the next project is a “surrealist self portrait” which is SUPER pretty much do what we want as long as its weird. so it should be fun! i gotta find a medium to do.. i dunno what to pick yet XD

The bus ride back wasn’t too bad the second bus got LONGER which SUCKS it used to be twenty minutes now its 40 so i have to accommodate in the morning..

Also i can’t scan any pictures because mom broke the scanner with her fist

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

AI day 13

I dont feel like writting alot, so.

i got to wait at the bust stop with a dead dog this morning, its head was everywhere.

English teacher is a prude i dont feel like elaborating.

observational drawing was nice, its usually nice.

i spent 4 hours on the bus home, i got out of class at 4:30 got home at 8:30.

i get to do homework then go to bed.

I hate everything c:

Thursday, August 2, 2012

AI day 12

OH CRAP I FORGOT TO WRITE THIS UP



okay so lets talk school! uh i got there an hour and a half early so i lonered it up in the student lounge. where i played project diva extend quietly to myself.. color theory was today, i learned that the sub wont be subbing anymore in about two weeks. we got a new project (spheres!) and we turned in our other one (miku!) i hope i did well >.o;

The two classmates who like anime (seemed weeb to me..) had brought moochi for the class annnnd the nekomimi neurowear ears to show off. i did mangage a conversation today! gasp!

I then went home. the end.

(man these are getting shorter and shorter…)

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

AI day 11

TIRESOME DAY.

i’ve been half awake all day (i really should go to sleep..)

On tuesday i cann ever tell if the bus is going to make it on time so its always nervewrecking..

FUNDAMENTALS OF DESIGN


This class is probably not my favorite since the teacher is strict. anyway 50 thumbnails were due for “world record” theme i picked biggest collection of rubber ducks. it TURNS OUT we had to do a rough too for critique.. so 3 minutes before class i drew a “rough” and i didn’t get graded too badly as far as she knows i did it there :p

we also got our Fairy Tale projects back! here is mine.

"Alice in wonderland."

I dislike it.

not much else happened that day…

I DID FINISH THE MIKU PAINTING.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

AI day 10

Should i re title those in like, quarter and week? as opposed to day? whatever.

Didn’t have to get up at 4:30 but 5 instead (Makes a HUGE difference) but it didn’t really because i was up super late watching Sci Fi “Alice” (it finally got on netflix)

Back to school.

The morning bus wasn’t super long today which is nice, i wish the way home was kinder…

English Class

I had to print my homework at class (which is fine i just dislike it because it makes me feel like im doing it last minute) though i accidentally gave the wrong worksheet :C so i might loose some points there (no teachers except late work D:) but class didn’t go too bad besides that. its English.

I had nothing to do the hour inbetween class (normally i eat) but i lacked money for food today (i did have a rice krispie!) but thats not a meal or even lunch so i had to deal with just eating that.

Observational Drawing

I love hate this class, the teacher is a really cool and laid back guy and he lets us draw actors for our face studies (we drew bryan cranston today as “breaking bad” //i dont remember the characters name..//) i did okay, im not the best with faces so it doesn’t look how i want it too which BOTHERS ME. but we did object studies which im much better at. so yay. 

He let us leave a half hour early which i thought would make a dent in getting home time from the bus but no. they fucked the schedule all up and moved the busses and didn’t tell any of the students. so instead of getting on a bus by 5:15 (possibly earlier due to getting out earlier.) i didn’t get on the bus till 6. luckly the second bus was a speed demon (broke laws im sure) and i got home around 8, exhausted.

This isn’t school related but it blows, it seems mom lost my ENTIRE FILE FOLDER. LIKE GOD DAMNT. I HAD DRAWINGS IN THERE AND STUFF. //ugh.

I’ll try to post more text posts? or does nobody even give a shit?

Thursday, July 26, 2012

AI day 9

Today wasn’t bad, a few LOW moments but other then that (i dont want to get into those as they aren’t school related.) but it wasn’t terrible.

I wasn’t at all sure if i was going to make it on time this morning (stupid bus) i made it an hour and a half early! which is nice because i can eat and relax before class.

in class (Color theory) we had a sub again, (nobody has met the teacher..) the sub said he might become our actual teacher at least until midterm.

We started painting using the diffrent color wheel specturms (nonochromatc,analougs,etc.) and its nice because we get to paint what we want! heres progress on mine so far.

The ride home was, as usual, crappy. today it took 3 hours! and now im finally home. I’ll upload what school stuff i can later. (Eventually…)

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

AI day(s) 6,7 and 8

OH WOW

i missed quite a few of these.



Day 6 - Color Theory


As usual, in color theory i kinda suck at painting. and it was a sub (AGAIN? I’ve never seen the teacher!) but i got a little better. im still having trouble with like blotches like we make a grid with tape then paint the squares. when i pull the tape off its like exploded squares. I think its because i use too much paint..

The ride there/home was uneventful and full of bus people.

Day 7 - English/Observational drawing

English to be, has been one of the few subjects im not horrible at. and i’d enjoy the class more if i was awake for more of it. (kidding) (not really.)  I typed up more paragraphs and we watched some clips of “freedom writers” which is a pretty good movie. I still need to buy the text book but well, Money.


Observational drawing seems to be the only class i really like, not because the teacher swears or is a nerd (“nerd”) there isn’t anything special about it, no friends (in any classes really.) and no cute guys. but its a class where i can kinda just relax i guess. we drew more faces and shadows, i will TRY to upload stuff here (im too damn lazy..)

The Ride home was weird, i met someone to chat with on the bus and while we can talk about SOME things he’s not someone i’d want to be friends with (maybe).

Day 8 - Fundamentals of Design

I love/hate this class. It allows the most expression but with a huge set of rules (and almost being late for class daily isn’t helpful when you’ll drop a grade level for every time you’re late..) but we turned in our “fairy tale” projects. I’d upload it here but i forgot to take a picture of the finished one and now she has it.. (i will when i get it back maybe) My Critique wasn’t too harsh, i fucked up the illustration mat (i knew that) and it was the wrong board ( i knew that too) and my coloring wasn’t great (i suck with color pencils and stuff) other then that i think i did pretty well! we also got our second project. i get to illustrate a world record! which might be more fun.

Ride home started off shorter (first bus was only 10 minutes! ((it takes 40 normally))) but then the second bus driver got lost.. costing us time and i ended up getting home 15 minutes later then normal. (3rd bus overheating and me having to walk in the heat.)

Sorry for posting these rather late. would you prefer i do like the entire school week? or each day?

 
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